Re: title - it refers to my personal future in general, not the future of this blog. This blog shall continue as long as I have the time, energy and ideas for it.
As it seems sort of fitting to do with the onset of a new semester upon us, I have ramped up fretting about what I'm going to do with my life in the actually not so far off future - I'm getting old and I gotta start thinking about careers and that kind of thing, as they say.. If I had really been on top of things, which I'm currently not (and sort of wasn't in the past, either), I would've thought about these things like... two years ago, probably, and I would've applied to and ideally gotten accepted into a fancy college and all that... Alas. Not that I exactly want to think about them now, because it's not super fun to consider what I perceive as the not-so-ripe prospects that are out there for me. Not that I've really looked, but I just don't have a lot of confidence in my future/long term success. Not because I'm unintelligent or that kind of thing, but because I don't think there are good/easy to get jobs in the areas that interest me. Future starving linguist here. If only I were interested in computer science and/or engineering! (this is one of the reasons why I would ideally like to date someone who values the humanities, so that we can commiserate about how all the good [as in, high paying and seemingly in high demand] jobs are technology/science related...) Sort of a tangent here, but last semester I had discussed the concept of how fewer women go into science/technology careers with one of my professors and I had said that I sort of feel.. not quite obligated, but like I ought to go into a career like that because there needs to be more women in those careers. Although those things don't really interest me and I don't think that I would enjoy it too much. The conclusion of that conversation was that it's fine and good for other women to have/pursue careers in those areas, but that us particular women (this professor is a sociology professor) don't have the desire to do that and that's fine too.
On top of the whole all-the-good-jobs-are-in-science-and-technology thing, I semi-non-seriously worry that I'm going to become a drug addict, which, although of course I don't plan on it, could still theoretically happen. Maybe my life will take various turns in the future that lead me to become a drug addict. I'll let you know if that happens. Although, I sort of feel like it would be difficult for me to become a drug addict, at least as far as injecting heroin goes, because the whole concept of shooting up sort of freaks me out. Although I guess I could still snort cocaine or something. I feel like the nonchalance with which I talk about theoretically becoming a drug addict probably would come across as weird to those who are unfamiliar with me and my fascination with drug addicts (or, as the Associated Press wants us to say, people who are addicted to drugs).
If I do indeed happen to become a drug addict, then so be it, but it will also mean that one of my other worries that I have will have also come true - worrying that other people will be more successful than me. Unless I'm a particularly high-functioning theoretical future drug addict, I would imagine that the various people I know of would be out there being more successful than me in that scenario. Which, even theoretical-becoming-a-drug addict aside, gives me more of a reason to avoid these people as much as possible because I'd rather not be potentially reminded of how other people are out there being more successful than me. So the less I see of/am around/think about them, the better. Which means, actually, that there's a semi-decent excuse to not transfer to [large in-state university] in the quite near future. Not that I'm going to just not go to college anymore, but that I think maybe it would be... more enjoyable/would give me more peace of mind/less stress to go to a different school where fewer of these various people who I assume are out there being more successful than me have gone. Just an idea. I'm not sure if my mother would see the worry about other people being more successful than me as a legitimate reason to not transfer to that particular school. Come to think of it, I sort of had my fill of these various people in high school, which is where I know of them from. Nothing against them (well, most of them), but it's not like I particularly have a large desire to see many of them again. If I were really interested in the particulars of their lives, I'd be on facebook or something.
I am trying really hard not to think too much about a particular person I know of (maybe I should make that an abbreviation? APPIKO, how's that?) who I'm aware is pursuing (and most definitely much more proactively than I am) the career of journalism. This grates at me even more specifically, because of the subject/career area being the same as something I may actually attempt to try and pursue more. So that stresses me out. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does, so I try not to think about it too much, but here I am, thinking about it. The success of other people in other fields that I don't really have an interest in bothers me less because those aren't things that I'm actively not being as successful as I wish in - I don't really have an interest in being a, say, biochemical engineer or whatever, so it doesn't matter how well other people are doing if they're studying that. This is all really depressing to think about. Maybe I need to be more outgoing and I'd be more successful.. Maybe that's the key.
Sort of along the lines of pursuing a career in journalism in the future, I've looked up which various internships are available, which at the moment I'm not going to apply for, but may in the future. Some of the places I've considered are: The New Republic (yes, that one), Slate, Washingtonian Magazine/Bethesda Magazine (both magazines focused on local matters), various others but those are the ones that come to mind the most. I liked the wording on Washingtonian's page where it talks about internships:
Jobs
Editorial Fellowship
Are you caught—or about to be caught—somewhere in that treacherous valley between freshly minted college graduate and full-time journalist, where clips at a magazine like ours are the climbing shoes you need to get up the mountain ahead of you? Or are you at least a rising college senior with a few solid clips and, ideally, previous media internship experience?
Are you looking for the chance to write and report in the nation’s capital? Do you want to be surrounded by professionals who take journalism seriously but also like to have fun and swap ideas?
Does incomprehensible-to-outsiders corporate-speak make your insides twirl as though Lloyd Blankfein himself is stirring them from his throne at Evil HQ? Can you get fired up every day about at least one of our coverage areas: Washington news and politics, dining, lifestyle, travel, etc.?
Are you willing to, some weeks, fact-check stories to the point of unequivocal accuracy and look dead into an editor’s eyes and say “all clear”? Are you willing to check your ego at the door and occasionally work shifts at the reception desk and help out at events, knowing that doing so is just another step on the ladder to greatness?
If this sounds like a fit, we offer an experience that’s low on grunt work and high on opportunity. Graduates of our program have gone on to publications such as Vanity Fair, Sports Illustrated, Entertainment Weekly, National Geographic, Allure, Smithsonian, and USA Today (and have landed full-time jobs at Washingtonian).
The positions are 40 hours a week for four months in the fall, five months in the spring, and three months in the summer, with possible extensions for standout fellows. The pay is $12.50 per hour.
Primary Duties
- Fact-checking and research.
- Enterprising fellows will find many opportunities to pitch and write for the magazine and the website.
- Will have the opportunity to meet with editors, writers, and heads of department over the course of the program to discuss their roles at the magazine and their careers in journalism.
- Position reports to Assistant Editor, Kim Olsen.
The aside aside, it really bothers me, the idea of people I know of being more (as in, decently more) successful than me. Or rather, you could look at it as being that the idea of me being a failure bothers me. But I like the phrasing of 'other people being more successful than me' better. That sort of conveys that, maybe I won't necessarily be a complete failure, but I won't necessarily be as successful as I think I should ideally be either (compared to other people). So there's a bit more nuance to that phrasing, I think. Although maybe we could broadly expand that idea to the concept of insecurity about myself. Maybe I shouldn't try to psychoanalyze myself, by the way. It's never particularly fun, I don't think.
And to top all of this off, I should probably try to meet people in person if I really want to date someone, because I've been online dating for over a year now and I haven't been on one single actual date in person. However, like I've thought on multiple occasions, if it's this difficult to find someone worthwhile to date, then maybe I'm just better off staying single and watching Peter Sarsgaard movies, and that kind of thing.
To close, a non sequitur (sort of - I would say that insecurity drove him to fabricate and me worrying about other people being more successful than me is sort of a facet of insecurity, although it won't cause me to fabricate): If Stephen Glass had a blog (now, or ~20 years ago, or both!), what would he write about? Or, to specify, if he had a blog that's sort of similar to mine in that it's about my various thoughts, what would his thoughts be that he'd write about on his blog??
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